Ben Affleck's Animals is the ultimate nonevent
- Critics can't even muster the energy to fake outrage over Affleck's newest Netflix-driven snoozefest, proving that not all press is good press when the press is asleep.
- The article's author performs the cinematic equivalent of digging up a zombie just to confirm it's still dead—spoiler: it is.
- Forces of Nature, Paycheck, and Gigli dragged into the mud again as cautionary tales of a career that refuses to die but won't fully live either.
- Nestled beneath a hard paywall, this 'nonevent' apparently demands cash to read—because nothing says 'important' like charging admission to a funeral for a film nobody wanted.
- Tagged under 'Pop Culture' and 'Netflix,' because where else do movies go to be seen by literally no one these days?
Brief Summary
In the annals of celebrity journalism, few writers have worked this hard to tell you how little you should care. The piece spends precious column inches resurrecting Affleck's most forgettable flops—Gigli, Jersey Girl, Reindeer Games—just to argue his new project is somehow even less culturally significant than that pile of mediocrity. It's a masterclass in damning with faint praise, except the praise is absent and the damning is mostly just a shrug.
Why This Matters
For you, the average viewer drowning in a sea of streaming options, this is a PSA in disguise: you're not missing anything. Your time is the one currency Hollywood can't debase, and this film isn't worth a single minute of it. The bigger lesson? Affleck has officially reached the 'so famous he's invisible' stage, where even his attempts at relevance get reviewed as archaeological artifacts of a distant, less interesting era.