Six deaths confirmed in Florida from Hurricane Isaias, governor says
- Six Floridians confirmed dead from the storm, with a lag time that makes DMV processing look like supersonic speed.
- Ron DeSantis confirms the obvious, as Floridians take a break from 'Don't Say Gay' to say 'Goodbye' to loved ones.
- Reuters runs a story with less detail than a grocery list, because why burden you with names when we have headlines?
- Hurricane death toll finally official, weeks after the apts started smelling weird and the power flickered off.
- State's response: 'We did a great job,' while residents scrape mud out of their humidifiers and call it a day.
Brief Summary
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has deigned to confirm that yes, indeed, six humans perished when Hurricane Isaias blew through, proving that official death counts move at the pace of a hungover sloth. The announcement lands weeks after the storm, giving everyone ample time to speculate whether it was the storm or the subsequent heatstroke from no AC that got them. According to Reuters, the broadcasts break news that would make a 5-year-old ask, 'And...?', offering zero names, zero details, and zero context, just a number and a gubernatorial thumb twiddle. The governor's 'confirmation' is presented as if it's a revelation, rather than a tardy admission that the sky fell on some folks' heads. One can only assume the delay was due to cross-referencing the storm damage with 'woke' school library books, Florida's top investigative priority.
Why This Matters
For the average Floridian or beach-adjacent human, this 'news' matters because it proves your state government operates on a 'discover tragically late, announce vaguely' basis, which is great for hurricane prep and terrible for, you know, living. It also reminds us that official numbers are just whatever someone can count while holding a press conference, meaning every storm death is a bureaucratic mystery wrapped in a soggy palm frond.